I’m so out of the loop about current events it’s ridiculous. As far as I know, from things I’ve heard, I’ve interpreted that cars are running on corn and tomatoes can give you salmonella. So my question for today’s story is “Do people still debate on whether kids should learn about sex in school or at home?” I remember learning some of the basics in school. And when I say “learn,” I mean I was so mortified by what I was hearing that rather than the information being “knowledge,” it was more that the hideous visual images and shocking explanations were burned into my brain like it was a cow being branded by a hot iron… brand… At this point in my life, the only thing I remember about sex education in school was how to insert a tampon, and what I remember was being terrified that it was going to be a live demonstration.

As far as learning about sex at home, I know these days people are a lot more free with their information (see “Conversations with the Landlord’s Daughter.”) The only thing I remember about sex education at home is the most mortifying talk I ever had with my mother.

“Honey, I think we should talk about sex.”

I was lying in bed with the lights out, trying to fall asleep. Did we really have to do this now, I thought. Then figured, I may as well get it over with.

“Um, okay…” I mumbled. I felt my mother sit down on my bed. And then she came right out with the words that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

“Okay. The first thing I want to tell you, is that –

FISTING ISN’T NORMAL.”

I swear to the Heavenly Father and every other God and Saint that there is, those are the words that she said.

The exact second that the word “fisting” came out of my mother’s mouth, my mind paused. What is this “fisting?” I had never heard the word before. Then the visuals began (I had a very active imagination.) In my mind, I pictured EXACTLY WHAT FISTING IS (now that I’m 34 and I know what it is, I can safely say that I visualized it 100% correctly.) I pulled the pillow over my head.

“GOD, mom!” I yelled. “Good night!”

“Well, I’m sorry but – “

“GOOD NIGHT.”

And that was the first and ONLY time I ever let my mother speak to me about sex. I have no idea in hell what she read or heard or saw that made her decide that it was as good a time as any to present me with Normal vs. Abnormal sexual preferences. I do commend her for actually saying the word “fisting.” I bet June Cleaver never told Beaver about fisting. But then again, she named him Beaver… At any rate, to sum it all up, I got my limited sex education via the public school system, and then, later on, from movies and Judy Blume books. The words “penis” or “vagina” have never been in any conversation I have had with my mother. Just the word “fisting.”

Today’s story inspired by Carol Channing:

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